lindsdrukqs

So.

I've moved back to my Dad's.

The first night, (the night before last) was terrible. I was so lonely that I was having anxiety attacks. I'm pretty sure that I haven't been alone for more than 20 minutes in about three months. Alone as in - no one around. Being alone that long makes me think too much. Thinking for myself is good, yes.. to an extent. My mind is the type to cross the line and wander into places it has no business being in.

The next night (last night), I went over to the apartment to hang out and I was in a chipper mood.. Until I got drunk.. A little too drunk, because I hadn't eaten. I'd had no appetite all day. Then I just wanted to be home.. and alone. So, I've come to the conclusion that the only way I can deal with being alone at night is if I'm too drunk to realize it. And that sucks.

I'm making an oath to stop drunk texting.

Don't you ever.. just.. want to sleep next to someone? Sometimes I feel like I need to.

Very happy right now. I'm pretty sure I was smiling in my sleep all night.

Sharing a bedroom with two people that fuck has made me a miserable human being. This is NOT how our living situation was supposed to be and I'm fed up.

Oh hey Dad's house.. again.

I'm extremely unhappy and I also feel like a loser. I'm going to be fucking 20 years old and my life is headed nowhere. Who the fuck am I? You are too good for me. Way too good.

I miss you. A lot. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. I'm sorry that I miss you like this. I feel like I shouldn't or you wouldn't want me to.. All I know is I'd kill to lay down next to you right now.

Dylan and Nate are back. Its cool. They're family.

Thanksgiving was interesting. Lots of little kids every where, very loud.. but they were funny.

Got my mytouch back. I'm posting from it right now.

I'm getting so sick of my job, and this city. It took a lot to not walk out and quit today.

He came back, and it was a great surprise. I think I almost messed up by saying too much one night but, I hope not. I was kinda wasted anyway. I like spending time with him and I want to take things slow. I'm just nervous where it will take me.. us.. it. I'm scared of getting hurt... Scared? Petrified.

My kitties are going nuts right now.

I'm in love with Pandora Radio.

I'm going to a Michael Jackson tribute the day before my birthday. I'm so excited. Then boy has a show the day of my birthday, so that's going to be super fun. I can't wait.

The only time now, is party time.

so much has changed. and when i say "so much" it is a complete understatement. i live with taryn, j crazy, zach, earl, and jon jon. i have my kitty. i still work, that hasn't changed, but only on weekends. i do what i want when i want to another extreme level. i met someone and accidentally became head over heels for him. he's a really great person. he is.. well he's elsewhere right now and i still don't know if he's even going to come back. he left me on a real high emotional note so i don't really know what to take this for. he's been gone about a week now though and i think i wouldn't be missing him this hard if he hadn't said what he said or if i at least knew he was going to come back.

people leave me all too often.

i don't exactly smoke weed anymore, but i'll take a couple of hits once in a greeeeattt while. i play guitar a lot more and in my opinion i think im getting better. my fingertips are completely numb. i'm drunk most of the time. someone just always has booze. i don't need to be. i'm not right now. i starve a lot too. it's not really good. but we get food in this house and it goes so quick. guys eat like mammoths. sometimes i dip and get really sad but most of the time i'm really optomistic and happy.

i have a plan. im saving up and i'm leaving at the end of january. i don't know where yet, but i'm going whether i know where i'm going or not. i can't stay in massachusetts anymore. care to join?

Yeah, my dad totally has this thing for kicking me out. So I'm staying at Taryn's for a while, until I can figure out what I'm gonna dooooz.

It's cool though cus I <3 Taryn. =)

but even so, I still got suckered into working tomorrow.

Oh, the wreckage. Why is this going on? Is it inevitable that I'm always going to feel this way? I can't stay happy. Too many things are going on right now, in my life, and it's making my head spin. I'm working tonight AGAIN.. it's been long since I've had a break but at least tonight is the last night. There's so many things that I need to get done.... that I HAVE to do.. and on top of it all, I'm catching a cold. Painting is going to be horrible.

So, really, when I take a step backward.. and take a gander at it all.. I remember one important thing: I don't really care.

.. Fuck anxiety, it makes me look so pathetic.

I try not to care about things that are going to make me feel crappy.
It's just better when i get feedback.


EDIT.
6:23pm

Question: Why does it feel like everyone is being incredibly spiteful to me recently?

Well, that's fuckin' cold.
And annoying.
And stupid.
And something I refuse to put up with.
I don't do little stuff like this so whatever.. seriously. It's no thing.
Later.

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat. It would probably feel better than how my heart does right now.

My heart only aches because of my own fault.

I wanted to do it, I wanted to go with it, I wanted to give it a shot I swear to you. I wanted it, like you did..
The timing was just.. off... and I told you!
I told you, I told you, I told you!!..

And thinking to myself.. how.. if I weren't so dumb, and could just go with what I MYSELF wanted and not what other people think..
If I just did that.
We would probably be together right now.

I'm uh. Having some anxieties tonight.

I'm very groggy right now and I don't want to go to the doctors.. But I gotta do what I gotta do. Oh crap, I still have to apply for school, I forgot all about that. Oh and remind me to keep this next check's paystub in good condition, I need it for insurance. I can't wait until Friday, I'll finally have some money in my pocket. It's gonna feel goooooood.

I want to relax tonight, after work. In jammies with movies.

Yesterday I brought Chris with me to Michael's. It was really really fun, and I knew Chris would love it. I brought Taryn too, It was a time for everyone to have it good, but Chris I knew he would enjoy it especially. There were drums and guitars, and he talked about wanting to play the drums just the night before.

There was also card games, and beer, and drinks, and beruit, and I LOVE Michael's Mom-- Lisa. She's so tiny and great. She could totally kick some ass, I can tell.

So yes, it was fun despite some awkward moments.

I've been getting some shitty vibes from a certain someone. Dick lookin' glares and whatnot. So this one stayed at least 10 feet away from me through most of the day/night.

And it was also weird when I saw a friend, and he completely ignores me until he can't anymore, because we're touching elbows at the cooler, and I made the move to say hello.

Then things got even more awkward, when the guy who calls me a worthless cunt because my supposed "best friend" at the time told him that I deliberately gave him an std shows up. Wowee. What a position to be in. So at this cookout there were PRobably more than a couple people who think I have an std and it just put a huge boulder in my stomach to look at them and know what they think of me, and know that it isn't true.

Buuut. I tried to ignore it and also keep in mind that the majority of the people that were there knew the truth. I didn't want to leave just beacuse of a few retards, I knew Chris was enjoying himself, and Taryn was having fun too so I didn't want to ruin it for them.

Chris, Taryn, and I eventually left. Chris hung around with me for a little bit, and we ended up lighting up a blunt for some time, I didn't smoke so much though. Did I? I don't remember. I just know I got high really fast, due to not smoking as much anymore... and it being very good ganj. Chris and I talked.. for awhile. About rediculous things.

I hate not seeing Chris for long periods of time.. It's sucky but it seems to happen a lot. When I'm with him, he's like my best friend. Our vibe has never changed since the day I met him, no matter how long we go without seeing eachother, our encounters are always the same.

All of this is bullshit.

People get mad at me for keeping a secret or knowing something they don't or just not telling them something. But what they don't think about is how hard it is for me to be in the middle of THEIR fucked up shit when either side is a friend of mine. I try not to be but they just can't avoid me. Don't wanna take a stride in my shoes and see how hard it is? Give it a try. Please one person, you can't please the other. Take a good feel of how BADLY IT SUCKS.

I'm not a villain, I'm just a fucking human, give me some Goddamned credit.

I can't believe the way he reacted, he is so absurd and I hold no respect for him any longer.

And PS. I don't want what you want, I don't need what you need, so please spare me the input unless I ask your opinion.

I. Don't. Give. A shit.

I've been mauled by mosquitos, I've been scratched and thorned, I've got bruises all over me..

I've never felt better in my life. I feel so alive. Seriously. I've missed this. I've missed everyone.

I had such a great time last night despite whatever hectic business happened.

I had a wonderful night, catching up with old friends and making new ones.

Phylicia, Richie, Mikey Bro, and the new addition, Angela. Awesome people, really. We all had some chicken off the grill and potato salad at Michael's. Then we headed to the sandy dunes of a private beach and secretly set up camp  with a large tent, a bon fire, wine, a guitar, a ukulele, a harmonica, and our voices.

It was amazing, you should have heard us.. It was wonderful. I hadn't felt so good in God knows how long. I hadn't laughed like that since.. well I can't remember. I had so much fun. Genuine. Fun.

Kim is psycho, but you probably knew that.

I'm moving back to my father's. This was decided long ago.
I came home from work one day and everyone was acting funny.
They wouldn't give me my keys.
And now, they're the one's trying so very hard to make me look like the bad guy.
In this one, I KNOW.. I am not the bad guy.
I've been sitting back, relaxing, having my own fun,
watching her stress over me.
You're too kind Kim.

Deep down, Jaida, Matt, and Kim know the truth about what they're saying about me, and that's all that matters.
Unless they're too fucked up to realize anything, which, wouldn't surprise me.
God I'm so glad I got out of that.
I'm better than that, and the amazing thing is, I know it.
Knew it all along.

wine is my best frieeeeend oh yesssss. yes it iss!

So I'm going to move back to my Dad's. I can't wait to get out of this place really. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't afford this if I plan on saving up for any kind of vehicle or anything else I feel like having the luxury of. Also, my tolerance has run out for my roomate. I can't live with her anymore.

I'm just really sad about Jesabelle, my kitten. she's truly magnificent.. and I've never felt this strong of a connection with an animal. She's my baby. I love her with all my heart. I have a few people that might be able to take her but even the thought of her being mothered by someone else breaks my heart. This is MY kitten... =/..

Oh, and I am talking with someone. It's quite recent. I'm not sure where it's going and there are still lots of open ends. I'm feeling a little impatient because with these open ends it makes room for vulnerability, and falling, and anxiety, and broken hearts.. Who knows. I hate it when I start to feel.. affectionate for someone. I say and do and feel foolish things. It's tiring.

Yes.

I am very devastated about Michael Jackson.

Very.